some jokes to laugh at...

TESTIMONY UNDER OATH

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own word,
what happened to you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Women: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that
Since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made
me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in
years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I
just laid down and said to him…”Take me…young
man…Take me!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, “April Fool!”
And that’s when I shot the little bastard.

************

Priest and Parrot

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were insidetheir cage holding rosary beads and praying.Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them..... After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.Our prayers have been answered."


***
Castration

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The elderly! tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?""Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?""Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"Joe was on a roll and said "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman aske! d, "How about some new underwear?"Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

*******

The priest and the rabbi

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."The rabbi nodded understandingly.The rabbi was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

*******

Words with two different meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male...... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionallyto another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...The open sharing of thoughts andfeelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family
Male........Trying not to hit on other womenwhile out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done whiledrinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just aslong as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TVchannel to another.
Male....... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
He said . . . . I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said . . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand bythe ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in themirror!
He said . . . . Why don't you tell me when youhave an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
He said . . . . Why don't women blink duringforeplay? She said . . . They don't have time.
He said . . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said. . . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
She said . . . What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . . A widow.
He said . . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.